“I
am doing this!” That was the message I sent to AJ at mile 55, and it became my
motivation to finish the hardest bike ride I have ever done. I know I claimed Almanzo 100
to be my hardest ride ever, but Westside Dirty Benjamin easily takes the cake!
To
understand why this ride was so challenging, I need to start at mile 0 and with
a little background. The Westside Dirty Benjamin (WDB) is a 100 mile,
self-supported gravel road race. Self-supported means you are responsible for
yourself and you pack it in, you pack it out. You must ride with the necessary
items to complete the ride-food, water, tools, whatever you want or think you
might need. Luckily, we were allowed to bring a drop bag that would be waiting
for us at mile 55 with items to refuel and rehydrate. Knowing this, I tried to
pack my bike with just the right amount of food, and only necessary tools to
get me through the first half of the race. What I didn’t know about this day is
that the majority of the riders would not make it to their drop bags. The WDB course itself is a mix of mostly
gravel, some technical trails, cyclocross terrain, and a little pavement to
round it out. Registration for the ride was open to the first 400 people to
mail in their postcard over the last few months. When it came to race day, only
189 of the registered riders made it to the starting line. The weather was
ominous and rain was inevitable. How bad the weather would get is almost indescribable.
Team #abeardandababe ready to roll
out!
We
rolled out of the start shortly after 8am. The first 7 miles of the race were
on dirt trails and through a wooded area that resembled a minimum maintenance
road. I had left AJ almost from the start, as we had to stop and form a single
file line to get onto the trail. The trail was overgrown with weeds/grass and
had plenty of standing water and mud to boot. The group I was with seemed to be
having similar struggles navigating the terrain, and while it was fun to get
nice and dirty early on, we were all very curious to see the effects of this on
our bikes later in the ride. We rolled
out of the woods and up a giant grassy hill, and onward to our gravel
adventure. After the race was over I found out that a large group of people, AJ
included, took a wrong turn during this section and added an extra 3+ miles
onto their route.
The
next 15 miles or so were good, as I cannot remember much about them. I tried to
get a little food in me and find other riders to keep pace with. Things quickly
changed around mile 25 when the wind picked up and the rain started. At first
the rain was slightly refreshing, but as it picked up in intensity it soon
became painful, and I quickly became cold. It felt like little daggers stabbing
me as I counter balanced against the
crosswind. There were at least two times that I thought my bike was going to be
swept out from underneath me. I’ve never been taken down by wind before, and
hopefully never will, but it was definitely something that was on my
mind. The wind was so brutal that it was actually blowing snot right out of my
nose! Ew! With all my energy focused on controlling my bike, it became almost
impossible to eat or drink while riding and I desperately needed to refuel. I
decided on a PB&J rice cake and only lost a small portion of it to the
wind.
At mile 36, for the first time
that day, I remember questioning my intentions and desire to continue the race.
Only problem was I had already passed the bailout point at mile 29. I continued
to push on, and did make one brief stop with another rider, Dave (I think), to
try and adjust my front brake. I struggled with the mechanics because my hands
were so cold that I could not grasp the lever and nut to tighten it properly.
Thankfully he was able to get it tightened for me and we were off on our way
again. Unfortunately, the adjustment didn’t fix the brake problem and it
remained an issue on and off throughout the entire ride. The struggles kept
coming as we pushed through. Not only were the wind and rain merciless, but so
was the gravel. Easiest way to describe it is organic peanut butter- super soft
and squishy and your tires sank right in. It was like riding on sand at the
beach, minus the fun and sunshine. Every once in a while there would be a
little hard packed gravel to accelerate through, but most of it required
pushing through.
By
now I was approaching mile 45 and knew my drop bag was awaiting me in 10 miles.
Woo! Only 10 miles until I get a break! I caught up to two riders and decided to
roll with them into the checkpoint. One of the guys was battling a broken cleat
on his shoe and had decided to call it quits when we got there. Talk about
adding insult to injury for him! We did have a slight reprieve, as the wind and
rain were finally starting to let up and things were getting a little better. At
this point I received a text message on my phone, and immediately thought of
AJ. I was hoping he was doing okay
through all of this, and I also knew if it was him and something bad had
happened, he would have called me. I decided to wait to check the message until
I stopped to refuel since we were so close. At mile 50 we came across a huge snapping
turtle that no doubt could have popped a tire if it was allowed to strike. I
briefly wondered what other creatures I would encounter on this day as I
embraced the beauty of the countryside over the next 5 miles.
We
rolled into checkpoint and I was so happy to get off of my bike for a little
bit. I had cold water, a banana, half of a sandwich, and the rest of my supplies
waiting for me.
Checkpoint arrival J
The
awesome volunteers were there cooking up hot dogs, re-lubing bike chains, and
providing emotional support. There was a cooler of Coke and New Belgium Ranger
beer (my favorite) to help ourselves to. The decision to have a beer was a no
brainer since there was no way it could hurt me at this point. I was finally
able to read AJ’s text message saying “I bailed out at mile 40 and am at the
finish. You’re absolutely nuts!!! I’m here for you, call me if you need
ANYTHING!!! If you get this please give me a heads up that you’re ok and
planning to finish.” I was jealous of the warm car he was sitting in, and was
secretly wishing I had bailed out too. It was at this point I took a picture of
my beer and sent the message ‘Check point. I’m doing this!!!’
Carb loading at its finest!
“I’m okay”
It
was then and there that I decided I was going to finish this race. I figured it
couldn’t get any worse than it had already gotten! I slammed my beer, stuffed
my food in, picked up Greta (my bike) and was ready to roll. On my way out the
volunteers mentioned to me that I was only the second female to make it through,
to which I replied “Fuckin’ right!!”
The
next portion started out as another singletrack/mud trail through the woods,
and I was able to ride most of it. The short sections I had to walk involved
many mosquito bites and thick mud. Thankfully, this trail wasn’t very long and
I was quickly back to the grind. I spent the next 15 or so miles feeling
awesome! Things were going well, I was maintaining a decent pace, and I was making
progress! I reached the Luce Line and caught up to a guy I rode into checkpoint
with, and had a brief conversation about the mud we just rode through. At this
point I could tell my bike was definitely hurting from all the mud, water and
sand, but there was nothing I could do about it except continue to pedal. The
Luce Line was amazing! It was fast, shaded, protected from the wind, and the
gravel was fairly hard packed. At one point, I caught glimpse of a black cat on
the side of the trail and thought of my own kitty, Lucy. The cat didn’t
actually cross my path, but maybe it was a sign of things to come. I kept
pedaling and soon I was 70 miles in. I decided to snack at this point so I
could keep my energy up.
The
route eventually led to a paved trail for about a half mile and then at the end
of the path ‘BRAAPP’ was written in chalk leading you straight into the tall grass.
It was another cyclocross/mud trail and the absolute last thing I wanted to deal
with! Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about getting dirty while biking, but this
was the first straw that almost broke the camel’s back. This time I was only
able to do a few pedal strokes before getting stuck or spinning out in the mud
and having to unclip and walk for a portion. When the terrain seemed to improve,
I would get back on and try again only to have the same thing happen again and
again and again. I remember this is when I started muttering things out loud. I
remember saying “this is so stupid” and “are you fucking kidding me????” This section was less than a mile long, but
seemed to take forever to get through. I looked back at one point, and noticed
someone else struggling behind me. I felt their pain and I am sure they felt
mine too. A slight redemption came after this when we were able to roll along
on glorious paved roads for a handful of miles. It felt incredible to
comfortably pedal my bike and make progress.
And
then the darkness came. Around mile 75 is where things went from bad to worse
for me. Everything became a struggle! The gravel was super soft, the headwind
was 20-30mph and I was feeling so defeated! I could barely get my speed above
12mph and it seemed I was often going 7mph. For me this is not a fast enough
pace. I tried everything I could think of from altering my pedal stroke,
shifting my gears, riding a different spot on the road, changing handlebar
positions, to eating. NOTHING HELPED!!! I struggled like this for what seemed
like an eternity. I remember saying to myself over and over that “something has
got to give!” It truly needed to and thankfully, for brief periods on and off,
it did. Whether it was harder packed gravel, a short downhill coast or the
awesome guy that helped pull me through the wind, there were small patches of
light. I remember him telling me that “I was keeping a good pace.” I replied “thank
you, but I am really struggling.” I held onto his pull for as long as I could
and was so thankful for his help when I could no longer keep up. I watched him
get farther and farther away from me until I could no longer see him.
I
remember at many different points not seeing anyone else in front of me and no
one behind me. I was all alone! This wasn’t anything new for the race since I
rode most of it by myself, but it was the first time I really realized how much
I needed someone else for encouragement. AJ had posted earlier on facebook that
he took the bailout and that I must have completely lost my mind because I was
going to continue and finish the race. With this post came multiple emails that
caused my phone to chime. Having no idea what any of the emails said, I took
each chime and used it as encouragement from someone to keep going and to stay
strong. I thought of my favorite cheerleader, Cara, and her words of
encouragement from the previous night, and used them as long as I could. I
pictured how hard she would cheer for me if she were here and actually laughed
a little to myself because of where my mind was going. Soon the emails and texts
were no longer enough to encourage me. The chime of my phone was making me mad and
with the madness came more random outbursts.
After the fourth or fifth unread text message that came in I recall yelling
“Damn it AJ! Stop texting me!” I honestly had no idea if they were even from
him. At this point, I was feeling like I would never be done, and I feared it
was him asking me how long I would still be. I remember thinking, “he has absolutely
no idea what I am going through right now!” Each text felt like more and more
pressure to know how I was doing, where I was or if I was okay. I honestly
didn’t know the answer to any of those questions. After a few more messages
came in, I finally pulled out my phone to see who they were from. They weren’t
all from AJ, so then I felt like an asshole for being mad at him. One of the messages
from AJ did state he thought my friend Parker had won the singlespeed category.
I remember very loudly yelling ‘I don’t give a flying fuck about Parker!!!’
After this outburst, I realized my own personal defeat. It wasn’t anyone’s
fault I was struggling-this was still my decision to continue on. I could still
call AJ and bail myself out of this mess. Being angry at others wasn’t going to
get me to the finish line faster; it was only going to deplete the remaining
energy I had. And I was still determined!
I knew
I needed to find comfort in the discomfort I was feeling. To do this, I drew
upon the strength I have developed from my yoga practice. I reminded myself
that my mind will give up much sooner than my body will. I reminded myself that
this is temporary and the accomplishment will be worth it. And I was getting
closer to the end! I had roughly 12 miles to go and even at my slow pace I
would be done in an hour. I had come so far at this point that bailing out
wasn’t an option. I thought of the two previous centuries I did and again reminded
myself that I signed up for this. I wanted to do this! I was going to do this!
I was doing this! I thought of all my family and friends that have supported me
during this and provided so many encouraging words that I could not stop now.
If I quit I would not only be disappointing myself, but I would have felt like I
let others down as well. I wasn’t causing any harm to myself; I was just
struggling.
This
mindset was strong for a few more miles and then was tested again. At mile 93 I
became borderline hysterical. The road I was riding seemed as if it would never
end, and the gravel was extra soft. All I wanted to do was coast down a hill
and gain some momentum, but the wind made that impossible. I started to feel
panicked and my eyes welled with tears. I was so close, but so far away from
being done. I wanted nothing more than to get off my bike, throw it down and
stand on the side of the road and weep. This is a terrible feeling that has
only happened to me a few other times on my bike. This was how I felt when AJ
and I did our Easter ride in which I struggled tremendously, and second guessed
signing up for any of the three centuries. I thought about how much harder this
has been for me than Almanzo ever seemed. I realized this is the place that no
one ever wants to get to. And I knew I needed to somehow get myself out of this
dark, dark hole. I started by slowing my pace down even more and with that I
was able to slow my breathing. I was so close to being done that it no longer
mattered how long it would take me to finish. I told myself to calm down and
continued to focus on my breath. Even if it took me another hour, I was going
to accomplish this. I decided to distract myself with music and turned on ‘The
Heist’ by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis to power me home. ‘Ten
thousand hours’ became my final
motivation to keep spinning.
The
final 7ish miles were all road riding! Thank goodness! I hit the pavement and
started pushing the cranks as hard as I could. I was going to finish strong or
completely die trying! A few miles from the end the rain started again, and I
was sad to see all the mud and dirt wash off of me. I worked really hard to get
that dirty, and I was looking forward to having a picture to prove it. Since I
wasn’t wearing glasses the rain made it really hard to see and my eyes were
stinging. I came barreling into the finish as fast as I could and I could not
have been happier to be done! I received congratulations from the race
organizers and was told I was 36th to finish. I felt pretty happy
about that and rumor had it that I was the 2nd or 3rd
female to finish. AJ was there to snap the
evidence of my hard work and I’m so happy to have that photo!!
WDB finisher 2014!!!
It
has taken me a long time to process and decompress from Westside Dirty Benjamin.
After the race, I discovered how extreme the weather became while I was riding.
Trees were knocked down and wind gusts reached over 60mph at times! No wonder I
was almost blown off my bike! I realize now it was probably a little unsafe to
be riding in those conditions, but at the time I was lost in the task at hand. WDB
was a mental, physical and emotional challenge for me. I am ecstatic to have
this ride in the books because I DID IT!!!! This is a huge accomplishment that
I am extremely proud of! What I am not proud of is the darkness, struggles and
craziness involved in my finish, and the mild case of pink eye I contracted
after the race. I wish I could say it will always be the hardest race I have
ever done, but there is no way of knowing the biking challenges ahead. Each race
comes with unknown risks and benefits, and I feel more prepared to take
anything on after finishing WDB. I have become so much stronger through all of
my efforts, but it has not been easy to admit my own temporary defeat inside an
amazing accomplishment.
The
results of the 2014 Westside Dirty Benjamin are in. Of the 189 riders that
showed up, there were 88 finishers. I was 36th overall and placed 2nd
out of 9 females in the women’s open category. My odometer clocked roughly 102
miles with a total race time of 7 hours and 48 minutes and an on bike time of 7
hours 30 minutes. To those who finished-CONGRATS!!! Amazing, awesome, crazy,
hard work! To those who bailed: I don’t blame you because that sucked! You made
the right decision for you and that is all that matters! After all of this, I
can’t say that I am looking forward to riding the Westside Dirty Benjamin in
2015, but I will be there! And I hope Mother Nature will be a little nicer to
all of us!